Fourth Time Lucky

Perfectly Mismatched

2012-02-15T06:16:00.000+05:30

Dickens couldn't have said it any better. No matter how hard I try, I cannot find a better way myself.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

Anomaly

2011-12-19T19:56:00.001+05:30

What does he mean to you?
He is the anomaly in my space-time continuum.

Going back

2011-12-03T21:02:00.001+05:30

I will do interesting work, no matter where it takes me.
The plan is that she will visit after a year.

Typing toes and frigid fingers

2011-11-25T04:35:00.001+05:30

It feels like I will never see him again. Typing toes, broken plates and frigid fingers all seem to add up to that. There is so much that I wanted to know. And I wanted to remember more than the drawing in my journal. How much of a pity is it that I don't remember what movie was playing on television that afternoon? What I do remember is him talking about the shirt he was wearing, about his ex-girlfriend's brother and about having a friend everywhere he traveled. I remember that I ate idli-vada for breakfast, and he ate spaghetti with meatballs for lunch. I remember that saying goodbye was too easy.

They were kids that I once knew

2011-11-23T16:48:00.001+05:30

Le scaphandre et le papillon

2011-11-20T03:58:00.001+05:30

A year ago, I was in bed watching Le scaphandre et le papillon with V and crying profusely. I remember K, distraught just looking at me. I remember trying the Boy's phone number every few minutes for almost twelve hours. I remember hoping and praying that he had reached Toronto safely. I remember feeling guilty for a pang of jealousy I had felt many years ago. I remember feeling somehow responsible. That day for the first time in my life, I had to tell someone I love that someone they loved had passed away.

Best friend and sister.

2011-11-14T15:46:00.001+05:30

It is good to have a best friend and a sister. They understand the worst of you with a compassion you didn't even think existed. And if you're very fortunate, life leads you down the same path at the same time.

Aren't we so conniving in our innocent ways?

Birthdays

2011-11-02T04:41:00.002+05:30

Birthdays can be cruel. What do you do on a dead person's birthday?

People always leave

2011-10-17T03:57:00.000+05:30

There is a comfort in having my suitcase right in my line of sight when I wake up every morning.
On any given day, all I have to do is pack up and leave.

Homesickness

2011-10-14T19:35:00.004+05:30

“Homesickness is just a state of mind. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, I’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing.”

—Elizabeth Wurtzel

Distance

2011-10-12T00:30:00.002+05:30

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
It really, really does.

What is wrong with my conscience

2011-10-10T06:23:00.000+05:30

Your favorite books never let you down—
“What is wrong with my conscience, that I can feel worried for her but not guilty?”

2011-10-10T00:05:00.001+05:30

Friends says the darndest things.

You are going to marry him. I hope you know that.

And they say them at the darndest times.

Wish

2011-09-14T23:02:00.002+05:30

It is a strange feeling; certainly not one I get very often at all. I wish someone would take control of my life and tell me what to do, just this one time.

A Thousand Words

2011-09-12T18:27:00.000+05:30

Somehow, though, I always feel driven to write. Why? It’s simple, really. In order for me to think about something, I have to first put it into writing. [link]

For the first time in a very long time, the words won't come—a thousand words is all I want, and even that feels like too many.

2011-09-09T11:30:00.002+05:30

I am really leaving in about two weeks, and the feeling has not sunk in yet. There is so much to look forward to, but being who I am I cannot help but wonder how much I am leaving behind, and think about things that could have been if I was staying. I don't want to go with the naïve hopes that I've seen some people have. The only thing that can change is one's self, and while one situation can be more nurturing for that than the other, it is rarely a deal-breaker. In the end, it is about how badly I want to change, and unfortunately or otherwise, I'm just not sure.

Flaws

2011-08-21T00:08:00.004+05:30

It was a lesson I should have learned from how I approach my work. A step back, some time away and anything that looks perfect reveals all its obvious flaws.

A conversation with Saumya opened the floodgates a few weeks ago; not that I let it all spill in front of her. The deal was sealed with a phone call today. Some flaws can be corrected, and others cannot. I am, probably, wrong in calling them flaws in the first place. Just because I see them as flaws doesn't mean that they are.

The thing that is as clear as it could ever be is that somethings are better over. Sure, it still makes me sad. Maybe I am still prone to an emotional relapse. That is why I'm writing this to help me see reason in case I forget.

Men are like that sometimes.

2011-08-15T23:49:00.002+05:30

'It might be good for us to try being apart like this,' he wrote her. 'Then we can really tell how much we mean to each other.' But she didn't believe that. She knew their relationship was real enough that they didn't need to go out of their way to test it. It was a one-in-a-million union, fated to be, something that could never be broken apart. She was absolutely sure of that. But he wasn't. Or maybe he was, but simply didn't accept it. So he went ahead and went to Tokyo, thinking that overcoming a few obstacles would strengthen their love for each other. Men are like that sometimes.

[because I am reading Kafka on the Shore]

Come back to bed

2011-08-15T22:57:00.001+05:30

Hard to believe I didn't post these lyrics when I was in the middle of one of those fights.

What will this fix
You know you're not a quick forgive
And I won't sleep through this
I survive on the breath
You are finished with

You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said
Just don't leave me alone here
It's cold baby
Come back to bed

I miss you.

2011-08-14T23:16:00.002+05:30

I tell him I miss him. 'Me too', he says, and a moment later he clarifies, '... as in me not missing me, but you'.
That is exactly what I miss.

Magic

2011-08-07T00:38:00.005+05:30

Today is the kind of day I love. Wasted time at the bank and the excruciating shoulder pain have become completely irrelevant. Sleep in the morning, movie in the afternoon, work in the evening, the same song on loop for hours. How I have rediscovered this pleasure in the last few days! Plans for tomorrow that have me so excited that I can't sleep. I just cannot get this satisfied smile off my face. Last night I was telling someone that if I don't cry enough my mind gets fucked. All those tears last night seem to have worked their magic!

If

2011-08-02T18:21:00.001+05:30

If we were younger, we would think we were in love.
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

Sputnik Sweetheart

2011-07-28T13:09:00.002+05:30

Something very strange has happened. I woke up this morning (or to be honest, this noon) and everything on my computer looks too small. I've pressed cmd+0 on every browser tab, on my chat client, everywhere. Georgia looks too narrow as I type in it here, so does Helvetica on Wikipedia. Everything looks fragile, like if I changed the color of the text to a garish green, it would just bend under it's own weight and break.

I feel like I've lost my mind.

The only thing that looks the correct size is the text of Sputnik Sweetheart.

P.S. Did I mention that water felt too viscous when I was washing my face today?

Office

2011-07-26T21:44:00.003+05:30

If you have a choice, never have a job. I don't want a job or ever wanted one, but I could certainly do with an office. I miss the ritual of going to office in the morning, finishing a day's work and coming back home in the evening.

Over

2011-07-19T14:12:00.003+05:30

Childhood — its dreams, foolish optimism, fairytale endings — and any attempts to hold on to it are now over.
"Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."

Text Message

2011-07-18T23:46:00.002+05:30

It is not very often that it takes me close to an hour to draft a text message, but to translate a bad feeling in my stomach into one was harder than I ever thought. Even when the text began to sound right, I waited a long time to press send. To be concerned, life has taught me, is to be vulnerable. Did I want to be vulnerable? That the text message could've been a turning point for us is quite likely; that it was a turning point for me is certain.

Double Chocolate Chip

2011-07-12T15:49:00.004+05:30

When the cookie crumbles — and I know it will — can it please be a double chocolate chip one?
Today's song, Hallelujah. The Jeff Buckley version.

Equanimity

2011-07-11T13:20:00.005+05:30

Writing on this blog is an addiction. Much worse than even an addiction to a person. If I write here everyday, I could easily become a recluse with little to no need for human contact. Whether it is happiness, excitement, grief or (like in today's case) stress, it can all be sorted out by writing everything down. Equanimity always returns.

The gentleman from SBI who keeps calling, the impending visit to the notary, the IELTS exam and worst of all the visa application. It feels like I'm running away from a monster who I should be befriending. Sigh!

Peace will come, and hopefully so will my student loan and visa.

Rain

2011-07-10T20:34:00.002+05:30

I was talking to a friend about rain a couple of days ago. While I went on about my undying love for everything rain, he didn't feel quite the same way. Rain, according to him, was something to be protected from, something that seduces you and eventually breaks your ankle. I was just texting him and he told me that he had got caught in the rain today. As I was writing back — asking him if he got muck on his chappals, something that he hates — I saw my own feet, and the slippers I was wearing. That took me back to possibly my most disastrous experience with rain.

It was a Saturday afternoon at the peak of the monsoons last year. I was in office, waiting to get out and meet someone for lunch. I could see the gray clouds building up in the sky and I decided to head out before it began to rain. I hailed an auto, and within a couple of minutes it started to pour. Before I knew it, the road we were on was looking more and more like a river. All around us autos were breaking down because of the water logging. Soon enough, my auto did too. The auto driver promised me he would be able to get us going in just a few minutes. After twenty minutes in the auto, I opted out of waiting. Armed with an umbrella and dressed in a skirt, I made my way out and started walking to the restaurant where I had plans to eat. The restaurant was three kilometers away. Somewhere within the first ten minutes of walking in knee-high water and heavy rain, my umbrella, shoes and phone all gave up. I reached for lunch about an hour late, completely drenched and with unimaginable muck and many, many bruises on my feet. This is as close as I've ever been to rain breaking my ankle (My mother, on the other hand, has actually broken her ankle because of rain, but that is another story!).

I'm pretty sure there have been many rain-induced disasters in my life. But like that afternoon, where I ate warm soup shivering in a restaurant, laughing about what a day it had been and gushing about my new slippers, there was always sunshine at the other side. It's hard to appreciate a happy ending unless you have had a few obstacles thrown in the way. And rain, I'm beginning to believe, is my favorite hurdle.

Ostrich

2011-07-10T14:07:00.003+05:30

It was a week of spending time with people whose company I enjoy, striking things off a list one is too scared to put down on paper, being rash in a good way and feeling loved. It also was a week of feeling unsettled, of more intoxication than I would've liked, of work being slow and the internet slower, of saying things before I had processed them completely. It was a week that would've made me very happy, if only I had not realized that I'm refusing to see the bigger picture.

Before Sunrise

2011-07-08T19:50:00.004+05:30

I watched Before Sunrise last afternoon. Two or maybe three years after watching Before Sunset. Not very logical, I know.

People can live their whole life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought that she had a simple and uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad. And in the same time, I love the idea that she had all these emotions and feelings I never thought she would've had.

I guarantee you it was better that way. If she had ever got to know him, I'm sure he'd have disappointed her eventually.

How do you know? You don't know them.

I know, I know.

Saturday Morning

2011-07-02T12:00:00.004+05:30

It is a Saturday morning and I've been cataloging my books, and organizing all my important documents once more because they have got completely mixed up in the last few months. Read this yesterday, and I think I should do whatever else I haven't done yet.

Listening to Coke Studio, and keeping my phone as far away from me as possible.

I'm giving myself another chance to draw regularly — this is one of those things I have failed at always. In all these years I have drawn for exactly one Illustration Friday topic. It is despicable, really. To draw, I know, will liberate me from senselessly pursuing perfection. Sometimes the ink will smudge, and a crayon will break and I'll turn the page when the paint is still wet. If that doesn't teach me to let go, I don't quite know what will.

I'm meeting the Boy this afternoon. To draw, to write, to talk. He says I should quit calling him that. When he said that to me, I thought he wanted me to give up so I free space for someone else to be called that in the future. It hurt. If you keep calling me Boy, how will I become a man, he said. How can he not know that I fall in love with him all over again when he says something like that?

Today's Lesson

2011-06-24T00:47:00.003+05:30

To become cautious, not paranoid. To be realistic, not cynical. To not let the past dictate the present.
That is the lesson for today.

Good Riddance

2011-06-20T13:10:00.003+05:30

This song always reminds me of them both. Throwing tantrums and vying for attention, while Saumya and I smiled all along. It reminds me of their refusal to make Facebook accounts all those years ago, and how I gave in and made one for each. Two accounts and one password.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

To Leave

2011-06-20T12:52:00.002+05:30

Close to a month has passed since I came back from my week-long holiday in Bangalore. Four months till I leave and a little over two till he does, I had said to myself on the bus ride from the airport, that is like forever. Such a huge chunk of forever is already over. Today is his visa interview.

I had gone to his house at eight in the morning, while he was still asleep, so we could sit together and work on his application essays. And, somewhere in that day that I had spent with him I had recognized that it was time for me to leave as well. Of course, other things contributed to making the final decision, but the wheels were set rolling as we sat in his parents' bedroom laughing, teasing, and I realized that this might not happen again for years, if not ever.

Romantic Life

2011-06-16T02:00:00.003+05:30

It is not the only way and certainly not the best way, but one of the ways to describe my romantic life with some accuracy is that it is a chain reaction of one boy asking me not to speak to another boy. And being the way I am, I have never listened to anyone.

The Last Cycle

2011-06-09T23:43:00.003+05:30

Tomorrow is the last day of the last three-month cycle. Over the years I came to both love and hate these cycles. The distance was excruciating, but somehow the end was always worth the wait. Every time I got dressed and went out to meet him, I had butterflies in my stomach. I would be nervous like hell. Every time was the first time. Last December I went to his place when he came back. This feels like home, he had said to me. Those words had filled my heart with so much relief, so much hope and so much love. I was home.

A few months ago, I couldn't have imagined not being at his house the day he reached Delhi, not seeing him as soon as I could. Now, I no longer know. My heart wants me to go. Ring the doorbell and find the door ajar. Walk in, say hello to his Mom and find him grinning, dressed in his most comfortable stay-at-home clothes. I'll go to his room, which will be a mess — books and clothes everywhere, a half-open suitcase against the wall, his big, black laptop and the book he is reading will be on the bed. Everything will seem the same, but it won't be. That is why my head says that, maybe, I shouldn't go at all.

Love Triangle

2011-06-06T13:57:00.003+05:30

I don't know what else to call it but a love triangle. There were three people, and a whole lot of love – maybe more than the love that three people can handle. There were also the usual ingredients one has come to expect of love triangles, jealousy, insecurity, heartache and choice. Also, honesty. Now it seems, not much of it is left. The love, it has gone through so many iterations of disguise that it has become too hard to recognize. Everything else is just a distant memory that one tries to grasp and fails. All there is left is heartache, and a choice to break it all apart.

Chase

2011-06-02T13:06:00.000+05:30

I've realized that I'm all about the chase. Once I get there, what's the fun?

You Inspire Me

2011-05-11T16:42:00.004+05:30

What do you say if someone says you inspire them? Is there even an appropriate response? And no, this is not your best friend cheering you up or your a young cousin who thinks going to office is the coolest thing that a grown-up can do. There is an off chance that the said person is actually influenced by you. Do you tell them that working like you do sometimes gives you no time to have fun with friends? Or that once in a fit of anger someone who loves you dearly told you they had had enough of listening about your work and seeing it? Or that you cannot remember the last Sunday when you did nothing – just relaxed? Compliments, I have learned to accept with some measure of grace. But, this just feels like responsibility.

Wind by Vikram Seth

2011-04-04T12:52:00.000+05:30

With no companion to my mood,
Against the wind as it should be,
I walk, but in my solitude
Bow to the wind that buffets me.

V.

2011-03-28T15:54:00.003+05:30

Someone had once said to me that I remind them of Virginia Woolf. Cannot be the writing, I said, maybe I remind you of her because I can be prone to complete meltdowns –

I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.

[Virginia Woolf's last note to her husband, before she drowned herself on this very day seventy years ago]

The Countdown-II

2011-03-17T14:06:00.001+05:30

Moonlight will fall
Winter will end
Harvest will come
Your heart will mend

Goodmorning
Goodmorning
You will find love
Goodmorning
You will find love
You will find love
You will find love
Goodmorning
You will find love
Goodmorning

Thanks @lut4rp

The Countdown-I

2011-03-15T13:03:00.002+05:30

The task at hand is simple – to figure out what one needs, what one wants and ultimately the price one is willing to pay for both. Two weeks. And (hopefully) tada!

It has been half a day and I am okay. Better than that actually. There has been no frenzy to stare at the phone, or worse still to use it. In fact I might have missed a whole bunch of calls because I haven't looked at it all day (maybe there is a hint I am refusing to take!). I am looking forward to an evening that could have one of many plans. And most of all, I look forward to being at home :)

The End.

2011-03-11T18:32:00.000+05:30

It is the end of an era.

This and That

2011-02-17T12:47:00.002+05:30

When I go to Bangalore, I'll want to visit Nandi Durga Road. I want to write the entire address down here but I don't even remember it anymore. Has it only been a year? But, I do remember the house with the sloped roof, from where one had to take a right. And I remember what it felt like to sleep in that bed, pull books off that shelf, shower in that bathroom and cook in that kitchen. Much changed in that house – me, the Boy and who we want to be as individuals.

I remember crying when I left that house, and in the cab that took us to the airport. I remember wanting to not leave because I don't like leaving behind a mess. I wonder if Bangalore will ever be the same – will it still evoke the same happy feeling I had the first three times I went there.

Now there is a new home. This one is bigger, brighter and fuller. And this is a home that didn't come with a bagful of expectations. Maybe, that makes all the difference. Its been four months, and it feels like forever in a good way.

Project

2011-02-02T16:28:00.002+05:30

Lesson for today (and perhaps even for the last few months) – If there is something that you need to make into a project to save your sanity, let it be you. Not the people in your lives, not your relationships.

Always you.

Fourth Time Lucky turns Four

2011-01-27T17:27:00.002+05:30

It has been a while. Yes, there have been posts but usually they've said too little, and even when they have said something it has been too cryptic, or too consumed by my Twitter habit of condensing things to less than 140 characters.

Last night I heard from someone who (used to) read(s) my blog. Our last e-mail conversation was over a year and a half ago. And if I am not mistaken, he had deleted his blog even before that. "Resurrecting this old thread.", he wrote, "Hope you are fine... I haven't been reading a lot I admit but then, Fourth Time Lucky was already running short snippet type of blogs :(". I know I haven't been writing here but hearing it from another person hurt.

Fourth Time Lucky turned four this January. I was lucky this time, I'll have to admit. I might have stopped posting here regularly, but I never stopped completely. I figured it was finally time for another long, possibly rambling blog post.

2010 was a special year. Special not because it was wonderful to me (or vice versa), but because henceforth it will be the benchmark for crapiness. It is not like good things didn't happen, because they sure did. Yet, somehow, they kept getting eclipsed by events much worse. Add to that my own attitude towards the world; I made sure that even when the silver lining was staring me right in the face, I chose to distract myself with the gray clouds in the background.

I lived half the year in Bangalore, and half in Delhi – longing for one city when I was in the other, longing for the people who lived there even more. I faced a tragedy that I chose to keep to myself until it spewed out of me in the most venomous of forms and almost destroyed one of the most cherished relationships I have in my life. I was offered a dream job, but I took another one and quit in four months. I have another job now. Though I am still as unsure about the bigger picture as I ever was, right now I am sticking through. I planned a trip to Europe, and never got my visa. I got a house where I live with a boy, not my Boy, just a boy who happens to be one of the closest friends of my Boy's. I opened myself up and let myself be. It didn't take long to realize that I had been hiding under layers of self-doubt, which might or might not have been a consequence of the aforementioned tragedy. Just when the year was almost over and I thought I was past all its shit, I did something I had never imagined I would do, something I always believed was fundamentally wrong.

That was last year, and this is a new one. My New Year resolution this year – to be happy! January is almost over and I think more-or-less, I've kept my resolution. Here's hoping it stays that way.

Damn you Winters!

2011-01-19T14:26:00.001+05:30

The biggest flip side of living without the family and the Boy – no warm body to sleep with.

Fingers crossed!

2010-12-30T21:19:00.002+05:30

Tomorrow is the very last day of possibly the most horrible of my twenty two years. Fingers crossed for a brilliant new year.

Is it really that simple?

2010-11-23T15:30:00.003+05:30

I should've known, I think I always did. But, simple is hard sometimes; and hard requires courage, and if not that, then a distraction from the anxiety. Thank you God, for giving me both. May the good times last!

Sans Work

2010-11-14T22:19:00.002+05:30

Even though my Saturday and Sunday have merged into one, and my current state bears a close resemblance to a small hangover, the weekend was a good one. It has been a while since I chatted with anyone all night, let alone with someone I didn't know at all before that evening. Long conversations happened in Mumbai a couple of months ago, but there I was defined by my work. Here I was me, not my work.

Suspicious Activity

2010-11-11T10:53:00.001+05:30

He is right. We love to screw around with the world, its definitions and just generally turn everything (including ourselves) on its head.

Grammar

2010-11-09T16:58:00.003+05:30

Who would you rather date — someone who can correct your grammar, or someone whose grammar you have to correct? And, should grammar even be a consideration when you're making that choice? :)

Laugh

2010-11-08T16:01:00.001+05:30

It is nice to know that we can poke fun at each other and laugh.

Bait

2010-11-03T15:04:00.005+05:30

You think about all the things you want, and the order in which you'd like them. You even think of exactly when you must have them. Then, you turn your precise schedule into a bait for an argument that never needed to happen, into a disagreement that is not even yours to have.

Is it vain of us to simply decide how we'd like to live our lives? Or is too weak of us to be scared to make plans?

**I think being alone makes me wise, or maybe it is the fear of being lonely that does the trick.**

Waiting for a New Year

2010-11-01T12:52:00.003+05:30

Woah, its November already! Can we please be over with this year already, God? Thank you very much. 2010 was not a good year to say the least. Amazing things happened, or were about to happen till they didn't in the end. That's never fun! I'm done with this year, and I can't wait for it to pack its bags and say bye-bye. December, please come soon.

New

2010-10-23T12:25:00.001+05:30

Its been a week, and I think it is safe to say that I like the new job and the new house :)

Discrimination

2010-10-20T15:10:00.004+05:30

This one time during a heated argument with the Boy, I had asked him that being an upper-caste male in India who is well-off financially, what does he know about feeling discriminated. Months (years?) later, sitting in office today, I realize that I had discriminated against him the moment I had made that comment.

Lucky.

2010-10-16T19:11:00.001+05:30

One knows how lucky they are when someone thousands of miles says I will do anything for you, and really means it.

Another Day

2010-10-11T01:00:00.002+05:30

It could be the worst from your lot of twenty-two. It could be a choice between favorites. Or merely a choice between tiring your tired eyes more instead of giving the mind (the heart?) a chance to truly introspect. Of new houses and new jobs, and the hope of a new life. Of best-friends. Of the memory of love. Of the tears that must not fall.

Do not want to be Promiscuous.

2010-10-08T00:39:00.003+05:30

Well, its all in the title! :p

Devil's Snare

2010-10-08T00:08:00.000+05:30

Devil's Snare is a plant with magical properties. Its power is the ability to constrict or strangle its surrounding environment. Struggling or resistance to Devil's Snare will cause the plant to exert a greater force of constriction.

Never off the table.

2010-10-07T00:39:00.002+05:30

"Just so you know... with us, it is never off the table!"

Too much television wisdom I know, but what's a girl got to do when she is between jobs and on a break (the references never stop, now do they?). I would have always preferred a Monica-Chandler arrangement in my romantic life - after all I can be quite the Monica, and someone makes for a good Chandler when he wants to. But, things don't always turn out the way we want them. Ross-Rachel seems to be the way we are going right now.

I anyways like things that take the long haul. Time is a funny thing, distance even funnier. The funniest of all things is of course love. Put them all together and you have us, disaster if you'd like to put it that way or as I prefer it "perfectly-mismatched".

Four months. Two countries. Nine and a half hours. I think we've got ourselves a good bet :)

A Toast

2010-09-30T14:53:00.001+05:30

From last night's episode of Brothers and Sisters,
To trust that the end is worth it, and never letting go of its promise.

Boston

2010-09-26T19:09:00.000+05:30

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

Wham!

2010-09-12T00:35:00.000+05:30

You think that life as you know it has changed, and then wham, it actually does!

Things I'd Like to Have

2010-09-10T03:41:00.001+05:30

1. New People
2. Babies
3. FontLab

Phonecalls

2010-09-10T01:20:00.003+05:30

I only get two kinds of phone calls.

The first are the kind that end with I love you/I love you too or See you soon or lots of muah-muah. The second are, ofcourse, the ones with end with Can I help you with something else Ma'am? or Thank you for calling XYZ. Have a nice day!

Mistakes

2010-04-20T20:45:00.003+05:30

We make mistakes, more often than we would like. And sometimes, just sometimes we get the chance to repent, to fix things one more time. And it is on rarer occasions still that fixing our mistakes ends up as a wonderful evening - eating Lebanese food on a terrace cafe in brilliant weather, laughing a whole lot and knowing that somewhere you have made some amends.

Thank you!

Office

2010-04-13T15:25:00.002+05:30

Today feels like the first day in this office. Time is moving too slowly and I'm waiting for the appropriate time before I can step out.

(Somewhat) Fresh

2010-04-05T15:42:00.001+05:30

Just another month more in Bangalore and there is so much still left to do. I cannot believe time passed me by so quick (and in times when I was hating it completely, so slowly).

Time for a (somewhat) fresh start already!

(Not-so) Fabulous Plans

2010-03-26T11:15:00.003+05:30

When did I stop being the person who was expected to make fabulous or not-so-fabulous plans and convince people to join in?
Can I do it again today?

Three Things I have Realised

2010-01-30T12:04:00.007+05:30

Sometimes it is simply about taking charge Or is it? Does simply taking charge mean ignoring obvious facts and sweeping them under the bed? I think we are good at that sometimes, the Boy and I. He calls it 'taking things lightly', the truth is I think he really means that too but, my small brain goes back to thinking 'Does simply taking charge mean ignoring obvious facts and sweeping them under the bed?'.

I miss the company of women Yes, I really do. I don't know what took me so long to figure it out. Here I basically have the Brother (who is a boy!) and the Boy (who is quite obviously a boy!) and then their friends. Not to say there are no women there, but they are all younger. I'm not quite sure what exactly I miss but from the top of my head, I miss hugs that last much longer than they ordinarily would, conversations about babies which involve no squirming or unintended references to the future, and I think just this crazy kind of physical comfort I feel around women.

I do not enjoy conversations about marriage They can be funny and all that but the truth is more and more they are becoming serious types, and they make me uncomfortable. People are getting engaged and married, and how terrible am I to judge them for their decisions. After all, it is their life. People from whom I had never thought I'd hear about it are also on about it. So, maybe they are all jokes but I simply don't like. The Boy says among all my friends, I'll be the first to be married, what the hell?

2010-01-25T14:13:00.002+05:30

Something is, quite obviously, the matter. The house, when empty, feels like both a blessing and a curse. And I feel like I'm becoming a sorrier person by the day.

Do I miss Delhi? Yes.
Do I miss everyone who is in Delhi? Yes.

Do I enjoy having the Boy around? Yes.
Do I enjoy having the Brother around? Yes.

But it seems like I'm a disruption in their lives, and to become that disruption I disrupted my very own life. The point is I cannot take any of this back or turn it around. Almost one-sixth of my time here is over. You've got to know that things are not looking up when statistics like that swarm your mind.

Moved

2010-01-23T13:02:00.002+05:30

It has been a very long time, the longest this blog has ever seen.
I have moved from Delhi, for a minimum of six months. To Bangalore.

Chase

2009-12-21T22:13:00.000+05:30

It chases and chases, and doesn't tire. Can I give up and get caught?

Getting Over It

2009-11-23T23:32:00.001+05:30

When the catharsis finally stops, I'll know I'm over it. That being said, I am not over it yet. Unfortunately, I think I'm not even close.

Walking the Streets

2009-10-25T00:37:00.001+05:30

There is nothing like walking the streets at night. All alone.

Not Quite

2009-10-09T11:21:00.002+05:30

Its perfect but not quite. We know what it will take to change it but it is not in our hands. It is crushing us, killing us, making us cry. I feared the time we stopped pretending to be strong, as much as I wanted to stop pretending. Right now, we are doing it turn-wise, what when we do it together?

Long time, no see

2009-09-23T22:10:00.000+05:30

It really has been ages.

I can no longer get myself to go to college. I actually counted the number of days to go before classes get over for good. Yes, I know I'll miss college but not the way it is right now. I'm actually glad I have fever so I was able to skip today. If they fail me this semester, then it is goodbye forever. I'll be a proud drop-out :)

Changing

2009-08-01T17:34:00.003+05:30

The brevity in the last few, or maybe many posts has been forced rather than instinctive. I suddenly have lots to say but nothing to write, if you know what I mean. What better way to say what is happening than to say times they are a-changin', not that I am a big Dylan fan. Not that I'm a big fan of anything or anyone in this world.

Twenty-one, thats old. Not absolutely but, relatively. You see I've been never older and when I was a kid I used to think twenty-one was a big deal.

I've complained of three-month cycles in which I meet the Boy but that'll soon change. Two more to go and then who knows. Just yesterday we were discussing the possibility of switching cities, how funny, not!

I had so badly wished that my summer internship would be life changing, and it was. Just not in the way I had hoped for. Darn, I should really be more specific when I throw out these wishes into the world. Here I am, not knowing what I'll do in a year from now. Maybe I should seriously consider doing the narrative I have been jokingly considering for a year. Maybe I should move to Pondicherry if they give me a job there. Maybe Mumbai.

Maybe I should buy myself a tripod too. Or perhaps I could just steal one.

The Boy was watching Marley and Me last evening, and later he commented on how angsty Jennifer Aniston's character becomes once she gives up her job to raise their children. I wish he hadn't said anything. A dog, yes, maybe that is what I'll end up raising. I have changed so much in the last six months. It has made ever thing in my life shift and I can't find my balance. That sucks!

I think my only lasting dream from childhood is a room full of books. My library. And I have never acted towards that end more hurriedly. I wonder why.

I really wonder why.

21

2009-08-01T12:32:00.002+05:30

An eventful week. I finished my summer internship. Dropped my brother off to Bangalore where he's started college. Met the Boy, and made the Bangalore trip something of a tradition. Turned twenty one.

My Girls

2009-07-23T16:19:00.001+05:30

I miss my girls. They're so far away :(

Four

2009-07-19T21:51:00.001+05:30

Four more days.

I wish from the bottom of my heart they never come. I wish from the bottom of my heart they do.

I wish I could just cry.

Office

2009-07-16T19:37:00.001+05:30

I cannot bring myself to go to office.

Gah!

How-

2009-07-06T21:56:00.003+05:30

1. To be a graphic designer without selling your soul?

2. To be in love and not be bitter, ever?

3. To be independent without hurting others?

4. To do a lot of work and still have a lot of time?

P.S. I got my result, passed sixth time in a row :)

2009-07-02T21:13:00.002+05:30

Something is happening, I wish I could point my finger at it. I wish I lived in the book I am reading. Nilanjana Mandal. She lay naked in bed as first a man and then later a woman made her body an instrument of pleasure. A pleasure that she had known once. She rode on trains and buses without knowing where she was going. Most importantly, she learned the value of saying merci beaucoup. In the right accent.

I am setting myself deadlines and buying myself books. I am proclaiming that I'm not a doormat. I'm enjoying a silence I haven't had for some time and letting the noises in my head be loud and brash. I look at my camera longingly. I keep slipping the ring off my finger.

Stop

2009-06-14T21:05:00.002+05:30

What do you do when the future becomes the present? The hopes and dreams you had cherished fall into your lap like shadows and it is up to you to chase them and make them yours. Why is it not as easy to stand up? Why do you try to hide from the inevitable, and make new plans for the "future"? Why won't you wake up and see the future is now and time is running out?

Letter

2009-05-25T23:58:00.002+05:30

This is a letter for You, I hope you're reading.

I dreamed about you a couple of nights ago and you were really angry in my dream. You were so angry that you went away promising that you were going for good, never to look back. I cried and pleaded to no avail. I am scared now.

I know I thought against having you around the last time you asked but we didn't know each other too well then, I was a kid and you'll never cease being one, at least for me. But, we're better off now and to be honest, a little more time apart won't do us any harm.

We talk about you every once in a while and He is waiting for you too :)

This time we'll make a proper plan for you to visit, not a shoddy one like before. Hope to see you!

Love.

Here

2009-05-15T20:43:00.000+05:30

He'll be here and I'll be here.

Responsibility

2009-05-06T23:14:00.009+05:30

When I had read Ghazal's post about her woes in getting a Voter's ID Card, I thought I was lucky. My card had arrived that day itself. My happiness was shortlisted though. When I saw my card, I realized every single piece of information on it was wrong besides my gender. Yes, even my name was spelt wrong.

My family and I didn't give up. My grand mom went to get the cards fixed. And well, they came out wrong all over again.

So, she went again. Finally, they were correct. I knew no joy. I haven't been this excited about something in a very long time. I wanted to vote, it was my right and my duty.

Today, I went to the website of the Chief Electoral Officer of Uttar Pradesh to check which polling booth I have been assigned. Suddenly, my name is missing from the electoral roll. I know I shouldn't be too surprised to see that even though I had got my name added, but I want to be.

The aforementioned website almost washes its hands from the names on the electoral roll. Here I quote,

"To exercise your franchise, the first and foremost requirement is that your name should be in the electoral roll. Without your name registered in the relevant part for the area where you ordinarily reside in the Assembly Constituency, you will not be allowed to exercise your franchise. Therefore, it is your duty to find out whether your name has been registered or not."

This text is straight from a page titled "Responsibility". And might I add, that I haven't made the word duty bold, the website already had it that way.

I am not the only person to whom this has happened. My whole family is absent from it and so is the Boy's. And I'm sure so are thousands, probably millions of others. I don't want to be disillusioned or play the blame game. The truth is that it really hurts that I cannot exercise my right to vote. I am proud to be a citizen of India, the largest democracy in the world. Casting my vote and getting an ink mark on my finger would have only made me prouder.

Today in college, a friend was really disappointed for not making it in time to register for voting, another complained about not getting her card even though she applied two years ago, and yet another scoffed at us because he feels that representative democracies don't work. What I am trying to say is that all of us cared, one way or another.

I choose to not be disillusioned. I can't vote tomorrow but my chance will come again in five years and I will work doubly hard to make sure my name in the electoral roll. And till then even though I can't have a say in selecting my country's government, I can choose to keep my country clean, follow rules, regulations and laws, there is so much I can do.

I leave you with the duties of an Indian citizen as outlined in part IV-A Article 51A of our constitution :

(a) To abide by the Constitution and respect its ideals and institutions, the National Flag and the National Anthem;

(b) To cherish and follow the noble ideals which inspired our national struggle for freedom;

(c) To uphold and protect the sovereignty, unity and integrity of India;

(d) To defend the country and render national service when called upon to do so;

(e) To promote harmony and the spirit of common brotherhood amongst all the people of India transcending religious, linguistic and regional or sectional diversities; to renounce practices derogatory to the dignity of women;

(f) To value and preserve the rich heritage of our composite culture;

(g) To protect and improve the natural environment including forests, lakes, rivers and wild life, and to have compassion for living creatures;

(h) To develop the scientific temper, humanism and the spirit of inquiry and reform;

(i) To safeguard public property and to abjure violence;

(j) To strive towards excellence in all spheres of individual and collective activity so that the nation constantly rises to higher levels of endeavor and achievement.

(k) Who is a parent or guardian to provide opportunities for education to his child or, as the case may be, ward between the age of six and fourteen years.

With so much that I can do, five years shouldn't really be such a long time.

Hell

2009-05-03T13:43:00.002+05:30

For a chosen few, I can believe in hell.

Saturday Morning

2009-05-02T10:52:00.003+05:30

Its the beginning of an uncertain summer. Uncertain and a little heart breaking. And it is already too hot to make myself feel better about anything. Like always, life has fallen into a routine. A day at home means I miss my parantha-chips-coke lunch. And much else.

When I am in college, I need to see faces I'd rather not see. I had promised myself that I will not let this happen to me in college, but it has happened. Spending a Sunday morning crying and not because of work. Why do I do this to myself ?

Skype has re-woven itself into our lives, and for some odd reason it works much better. Rebuilding, remembering and forgetting. Its getting better and worse at the same time. There needs to be a way to know what the future holds, just the immediate future, if you please.

Thank God the semester is over, at least the classes are. Now another 20 days and we'll be free, or so we can imagine right now.

I am angry, jealous, deprived, bitter. Hopeful, too.

And in need of human contact!

Please

2009-04-25T22:53:00.001+05:30

Don't just let me sleep, put me to sleep.

Sniff

2009-04-21T22:07:00.002+05:30

A couple of new things on the platter. And the whiff of excitement.

Hmmm.. I can't wait!

Growl!

2009-04-16T22:16:00.000+05:30

The worst part about wanting something, you may not get it!

P.S. I know there are times you get it, yada, yada, yada! But, today just let me complain.

Him

2009-04-08T00:59:00.002+05:30

Of all the things I want to be, he is certainly one of them. Yes, I want to be him. I've wanted to be him even before I got to know him, even before I met him. That explains a lot, no wonder I am in love with him.

I can't say that I haven't tried, more vigorously sometimes than another. I know if I get there, there will be no coming back. It will be a habit I'll never get rid of, and happily so. Being him for even a couple of days, even an iota of who he is or was, tells me that with so many things, he didn't really have an option. He couldn't have done it any other way. That doesn't make them right, but makes them less wrong for sure.

If I become him, I will lose him, that is a given. And, that makes my choice a complete no-brainer. Shine on my crazy star, this one's for you!

Old

2009-04-06T19:57:00.002+05:30

Between building a portfolio, finding places to intern at in the summer and hearing every second person talk of somebody obscure getting married, the feeling that I am all grown up is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

I've lost too much weight in the past few weeks, even my Mom thinks I am too thin. That, by all means is new.

I have discovered a heightened sense of independence and self sufficiency. It scares me. Will I cease to need people around me ? Like I said, scary. It is also a return to an older modus operandi, why can't I remember if I was happy then, or miserably sad ? Perhaps, it is time to revisit a blog long forgotten, a revision of sorts, of life gone by.

The circle, I think, is going to complete itself soon, the question is, am I ready for that ?

2009-03-20T11:15:00.002+05:30

I don't want to come here anymore. Rather ironic that I am here right now, writing this post, in an empty classroom at a time when I don't even have a class. I am done with college. DONE! So what if the faces are familiar ? So what if I can circumvent all that it has to offer with my eyes closed ? Oh, wait. Maybe, that is the reason I don't want to come here anymore.

I'm glad I was sick the last week. I was so happy to have an excuse to not come to this wretched place. The thought of work is still enticing but work itself is dreary. It puts me to sleep. It makes me wander off elsewhere to waste my time. Distractions are few yet so, what can I say, distracting.

I so want to go home already. I cannot bear the thought of staying here till five and actually attending class. I have done the attendance math, I can leave today. But, I know I still can't leave for good :(